Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Blogs
A Buddy of mine recommended I start a blog, in order to let the internet community know what a knucklehead I am. Everything you will read about me is true. And by true I mean false; it is a complete fabrication I've constructed to shield my inner child from bullies and policemen.Aside from my name and educational status I have done nothing but lie. If at anytime while maintaining this blog I feel my mask start to slip I will run my right wrist through a band-saw. This would serve many purposes, first to scare the shit out of my left wrist but also it would make typing any truths about myself near impossible. I mean with a bloody stub not only would I hit about 11 different buttons at once but I would short circuit the keyboard with my spurting bodily fluid. Again.
Public Service Announcement
Hi, I’m George Clooney, I’d like to take a minute to talk to you about stale bread. Stale bread is the 3rd largest cause of crappy sandwiches in this country. But with your help we can overcome this plague on sandwichery. Now I’m not innocent in this scenario either. I was once a young, wild, out of control college kid who liked to experiment. I did what most of you have done, or still do; After making a sandwich I would simply tuck the excess plastic of the bread bag up under the remaining slices. *shakes head* But after the pain of having to eat sandwiches with slightly stale bread, I finally had had enough. I began to use the twisty tie. The twisty tie became a life saver, and I’m here to tell you that it can save your life too. With your help and use of the twisty tie we at the ‘National Association of Zero Indigestion’ hope to improve sandwich quality by 3% over the next decade. To learn more about saving sandwiches please visit the National Association of Zero Indigestion at www.NAZI.org. *Broad Smile* I’m George Clooney, take it easy America.
Square Dance
Hey!
Do you want to square-dance with me? Seriously, I bought new boots from Ray's Boots and Bait. They're a little snug to be sure, but if you accept my invitation you could help me break them in. Aw come on darlin, don't walk away. Look will you at least let me buy you a slice of pie? Yeah? That's swell, I mean seriously that is great news! Tell ya what, I know this little place not more than a hop and a skip from here, what do ya say? Boy howdy! I sure like that answer! You know you have a beautiful smile. Your very welcome. You look a little chilly, here put my coat on. Whats that hon? Yeah my dog sleeps on it. Those spots on the cuffs? Well Babydoll has a problem with anal leakage. You sure you don't want the coat? Alrighty, if you change your mind let me know. Ah, here we are, "Chunky's Diner." Here let me get that door for you sweetheart. How about that booth in the back? Great! Oh hon what did ya sit in? Oh thats just a little of Chunky's brown gravy, it'll wash out with Tide. Ok, you can have my seat. Don't say I never gave ya nothin. Yes waitress we'll have two slices of Chunky Pie. I'll have a cup of the house coffee also, you want anything to drink darlin? No? Alright just the coffee and pie then. Nice place ain't it? Ok? This place is what America's about. Late night pie and coffee, I can't think of anything better... that is except being able to share it with such a beautiful woman. Is that a blush? Oh, its poison sumac? I hate that, itches like the Dickens. Oh here comes the pie. Thank you ma'am. Go ahead darling eat up! Good ain't it? Oh that tangy flavour is the lemon peels. Gives the pie an extra zing, don't you think? Sure you don't want a cup of coffee? Alright, just remember I offered. You know I don't know whether its the weak flourescent lighting, or the smoke of cigarettes and burnt pork products in the air, but darlin, you have never looked better. Pardon me darlin, this coffee's gettin to me, I gotta go drop the kids off at the pool. Wow, ten pounds lighter. You didn't finish your pie honey. Not hungry? You women and your dieting. I say there ain't nothing wrong with a big woman, as long as she's proud. Do you need a ride anywhere? Good thing, cause I'm not sure I could fit you on my bike. It's a 94 Huffy. Yup just replaced the ball bearings last Monday. It's a smooth ride. Oh you have a Mercedes? Well, I don't reckon I could ask you for a ride? No I know, It was wrong of me to ask. Well it was a pleasure meeting you darlin. You take it easy now, don't forget ole Red now ya hear? All right, take care sugar. Another cup of coffee waitress! And may I say, you are the most beautiful waitress I have ever seen...
Do you want to square-dance with me? Seriously, I bought new boots from Ray's Boots and Bait. They're a little snug to be sure, but if you accept my invitation you could help me break them in. Aw come on darlin, don't walk away. Look will you at least let me buy you a slice of pie? Yeah? That's swell, I mean seriously that is great news! Tell ya what, I know this little place not more than a hop and a skip from here, what do ya say? Boy howdy! I sure like that answer! You know you have a beautiful smile. Your very welcome. You look a little chilly, here put my coat on. Whats that hon? Yeah my dog sleeps on it. Those spots on the cuffs? Well Babydoll has a problem with anal leakage. You sure you don't want the coat? Alrighty, if you change your mind let me know. Ah, here we are, "Chunky's Diner." Here let me get that door for you sweetheart. How about that booth in the back? Great! Oh hon what did ya sit in? Oh thats just a little of Chunky's brown gravy, it'll wash out with Tide. Ok, you can have my seat. Don't say I never gave ya nothin. Yes waitress we'll have two slices of Chunky Pie. I'll have a cup of the house coffee also, you want anything to drink darlin? No? Alright just the coffee and pie then. Nice place ain't it? Ok? This place is what America's about. Late night pie and coffee, I can't think of anything better... that is except being able to share it with such a beautiful woman. Is that a blush? Oh, its poison sumac? I hate that, itches like the Dickens. Oh here comes the pie. Thank you ma'am. Go ahead darling eat up! Good ain't it? Oh that tangy flavour is the lemon peels. Gives the pie an extra zing, don't you think? Sure you don't want a cup of coffee? Alright, just remember I offered. You know I don't know whether its the weak flourescent lighting, or the smoke of cigarettes and burnt pork products in the air, but darlin, you have never looked better. Pardon me darlin, this coffee's gettin to me, I gotta go drop the kids off at the pool. Wow, ten pounds lighter. You didn't finish your pie honey. Not hungry? You women and your dieting. I say there ain't nothing wrong with a big woman, as long as she's proud. Do you need a ride anywhere? Good thing, cause I'm not sure I could fit you on my bike. It's a 94 Huffy. Yup just replaced the ball bearings last Monday. It's a smooth ride. Oh you have a Mercedes? Well, I don't reckon I could ask you for a ride? No I know, It was wrong of me to ask. Well it was a pleasure meeting you darlin. You take it easy now, don't forget ole Red now ya hear? All right, take care sugar. Another cup of coffee waitress! And may I say, you are the most beautiful waitress I have ever seen...
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